This fall I feel more myself. But at the same time, I do not. I don’t know how I feel. I keep learning more about myself by living on my own, but I keep falling back and forth too. One day I anything and I sit in bed thinking about how much of a waste I am acting. Sometimes I feel on top of the world and that I have plenty of friends surrounding me, while other days I feel alone and not necessarily desperate for someone but confused. It’s just so different than being home with your family and friends that you’ve been surrounded by your whole life.
I want change. I like change. But I never considered the consequences of change.
I have a lot more time to myself, and I love it. But I also hate it. I want friends, but I hate the idea of me forcing myself on people or people not enjoying my presence. Living with new people means surrounding yourself with new lifestyles, opening to new accustoms. It is difficult. It is confusing. It is a struggle sometimes. That is what I must accept.
I have no one in my physical life with the same passions and hobbies as me, and it is underwhelming. It makes me second guess what I enjoy. But I always take a step back and reverse those thoughts.
When I sit alone for too long without being productive, I start to overthink how I look, what I am doing, how I feel. It is all so overwhelming. And it is all just because I am overthinking. This post is literally me overthinking in a nutshell, but that is life. These are the raw thoughts and moments I go through, right now just being an intensified time, so I thought I would spill my thoughts on the blog rather than my journal for once.
I feel confident sometimes, I feel inferior other times. Everyone is out to get me in my head at one moment, while the next moment I have the “I don’t care” mentality. But to help my head space become less foggy and steer me towards positivity, I have been into certain things and activities. That is what I will be sharing right now.
Reading. Obviously, I do this, most of my blog posts are formed around books. But I have not started reading this much in so long. It is nice to look forward to reading. I love buying books, talking about books, reading good stories. But then I fall back into the mentality that no one around me wants to talk about that stuff, so why should I? That is why I love being a part of the Writing Community and Book Community on Twitter.
Writing. Writing has always been an outlet for me, I leisurely write anything and everything down. It was not until last month I started taking it to a new level and posting blogs and plotting a novel. It truly is an escape and positive outlet to help me block out other things causing my stress and unnecessary anxiety.
Wardrobe. This fall I feel more dedicated to my style than ever. Being on my own has proved to me that individuality is a big part of who you are, it is what separates you from the rest. And although I enjoy buying and wearing clothes a lot of other people do as well, I saw some advice somewhere recently that everyone has written every idea. It is not about doing it for the first time, but about how you make it yours and add an original touch to it. That advice was towards writing, but I have been using it for my style and life in general.
Food. I can eat and make any food I want since I live on my own. It has opened my eyes to what I like to eat and do not like to eat. It has helped me find the right produce and overall types of foods I can easily afford and make, while still making great meals. I have been eating along the guidelines of a vegetarian for the last month and a half, and I enjoy it. Being on my own is easier to make healthier meals than in a group setting. My family naturally eats on the healthier side, but I like having control over what is in my fridge and pantry.
Music. I am always into music, but right now especially I play it all the time. I love finding new playlists and songs that match the moods of what I am doing throughout the day, and what season it is. I love chill music on YouTube that I can do schoolwork and read to, and other artists like Kanye West, Mac Miller, The Wallows, soundtracks from movies I love, and so many more are fun to listen to while I clean or am just doing busy work.
These are all basic things I have found help keep me grounded to who I am and discover more about myself. There are more little things I do throughout the day, but these are the top topics I find myself surrounded by. Overall, fall is such a mixed emotion season for me. I love it, but it also brings along an emotion over me I cannot put my finger on. I love my family and am so excited to join them again for holidays and have a long break at home, but I love it here in my college town too.